My Kid Is Now Banned From All Family Functions Until Further Notice. He Doesn’t Deserve This! - Slate

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. My wife and I have a 5-year-old son, “Archer,” whom I will admit can be a handful at times. Last month, we attended my sister’s wedding, and Archer ran in front of the staff members who were bringing out the wedding cake, causing them to drop it. We paid for the cost of the cake. But now, not only my sister, but pretty much all of our extended family have banned Archer from their events until he is older. Isn’t that an overreaction to a kid acting like a normal 5-year-old? Free Archer! I’ll admit: The thought of your little man causing such a ruckus, knocking over an elaborate wedding cake like a tiny Mr. Bean, brings me great joy. But I can understand the rest of the family’s position especially since, as you’ve admitted, Archer can be a handful. (Personally, I’d love a full rundown of his whole history of destruction, if you’d like to share.) But my prediction is that your sister and the rest of the Shame Gang will thaw out and one day they’ll be able to see how silly it was to give Archer a lifetime ban from all family events, as if  he were a drunken football fan running onto the field. For now, leave him home for the weddings and especially funerals (God forbid he tries to play hide-and-seek in the casket), but make sure you’re the only one doling out the punishment if necessary. Some people are very uptight about their weddings being perfect and unable to roll with the Archers of the world, but that’s their problem. You paid for the cake, you can leave him out of the next wedding, but never let them put Archer in the corner. Thanks! Your question has been submitted. Is it acceptable to tell a child “no” if they’re not your family or friends’ kids? I’ve worked several different places (primarily retail, but I’ve also worked in pre-k to 5th grade after-school programs), & in all of them I had a few basic rules for young children: No climbing things, no throwing things, no wrestling, things like that. I would lean down, gently, and say in a firm voice, “No. That’s not safe, we don’t do that.” But both my retail and after-school jobs reprimanded me, saying I wasn’t within my rights to tell someone else how to raise their children, and that my actions were deeply inappropriate. What’s a better way to handle this, or should I stop doing this altogether? I don’t have kids myself, and my only other experience is with my younger siblings when I was a kid. This is a difficult one, because on the one hand I would say “yes,” and you have absolutely the right to keep children safe and non-feral in situations where they could become distractions. But—and this is a huge BUT—I am only OK with you doing that to other people’s children. If you’re doing that with my children? I’d have a serious problem with it, but that’s just the way I’m wired. Case in point—a couple of months ago, our entire crew of three kids (ages 6, 7, and 8) went with us to a restaurant. After the meal, all three of them decided to use the unoccupied small single-stall bathroom at once. Another slimy-looking adult male, whom I’d just seen being obnoxious to his server a few minutes before, displayed a similar impatience with my children and gave a pretty loud, “Let’s go, guys, don’t mess around!” I felt myself vibrating with rage, resisting the urge to run over and dunk his head in that very same toilet. Again—yes, you’re perfectly within your right to kindly police children whose behavior is impacting your own personal space. But don’t be surprised if angry parent objects to your method. So final thought: If you fear confrontation, best to mind your own business. What is the current policy on allowing young children to urinate in public parks? I used to pee in urban parks all the time as a child, but it seems to have gone out of fashion. Plus, this park is overrun by dogs every day, all of whom urinate wherever they see fit. What’s the difference?