I Think My Niece’s Parents Are Being Way Too Laid Back About Something Dangerous. But Maybe I’m the Problem. - slate.com

Sign up for the Slatest to get the most insightful analysis, criticism, and advice out there, delivered to your inbox daily. Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here. I am an aunt to two wonderful niblings and am lucky enough to be able to see them often and be pretty involved in their lives. I generally see them at least once every couple of weeks, babysit often, attend their sporting events/recitals, etc. My niece, who is 4, has promptly thrown up the last couple of times she has had peanuts, so until she has had an appointment with an allergist and her parents have been told otherwise, our family is assuming she has a peanut allergy. However, I seem to have a different idea than the rest of my family about what it means to act as if she has an allergy. She did not go into anaphylaxis when she had these reactions, but from what I know, vomiting can be a symptom of a severe allergy, so my instinct is to act as if she has a severe allergy while we wait for her to see an allergist, just in case. My niece’s parents see it as a potentially mild to moderate allergy and think she just needs to avoid eating anything with peanuts actually in it until she sees the doctor. I found out about the potential allergy a few weeks ago when I was taking my niblings out for lunch, and my nephew told me his sister had a peanut allergy right before we were about to order food! I called my sister to confirm, and was told what had happened and that they thought she did, so I should avoid foods with peanuts as an ingredient. I was relieved my nephew mentioned it before we ordered lunch! I am sure my sister or her husband meant to tell me before I brought them out and just forgot, but that combined with the fact that last weekend my sister mentioned she still needed to see about making an appointment with an allergist for my niece makes me worried they are not treating it seriously enough. I did try to nudge her a little in response to the comment about needing to make an appointment: “Yeah, I know that vomiting can be a sign of a more severe allergy; I am sure you want to rule that out.” I have also asked about precautions and if I should treat it as a severe allergy since we don’t know. But I wonder if I should talk to my sister and brother-in-law more directly. They are amazing parents, and I don’t want to try to tell them how to raise their kids or let my anxiety make me blow things out of proportion, but I am worried. I have a good friend with multiple life-threatening food allergies and am very used to the precautions they need to take, which could be coloring my perspective. At the moment, if I am the one providing my niece with any food, I am treating it as if she has a potentially severe allergy and we need to worry about cross-contamination, etc. I asked my friend for advice on precautions I should take and am following that. I am not sure if it would be overstepping to ask my sister if they have talked to their pediatrician about any precautions they need to take while waiting for an allergist appointment and urge them to do so if they have not. I have noticed that my family can be overly critical of my sister and brother-in-law at times (they are the only ones in my generation of my family to have kids at the moment, so their kids and consequently their every parenting choice get all of the focus) and do not want to add to that. But this is potentially a safety issue, and my niece’s safety is the most important thing! Should I talk to them, or am I overreacting? Is there a script to talk to them about this? As one involved aunt to another, you aren’t overstepping or overreacting by talking to your sister. I love that you have already asked your friend for precautions to take because now you’ve done some of the work for your sister and brother-in-law! You’re not just suggesting things they should do, but you have actively helped make this process easier. You can and should share what you’ve learned with them. Most parents who know you love their kid would appreciate that. Once you share those tips, then go a step further and offer to research doctors. While we are more knowledgeable as a society today about nut allergies, remember that many people really might not know or understand the potential severity of a reaction. I remember my own school as a child passing out peanut butter and jelly sandwiches every single day during lunch at summer camp—something that would be unheard of given our understanding of allergies today. So, some of us just might need a little more help understanding it all … lovingly. Start the conversation by coming from a place of need as someone who is often her caretaker and then let it grow. Say, “Hey, it’s probably really helpful if people like me who will be babysitting her, as well as everyone at her school, have a care plan so that we can all make sure that we’re taking the best possible care of her. We can also keep a copy of it in her backpack. I know I don’t personally have allergies, but my friend does, and she says these things really help her.” Back in February, my sister “Rachel” asked me if I would mind watching her two daughters, ages 3 and 4, overnight while she and her husband “Alex” went out for their anniversary. I work as a self-published writer, so I am able to make my own hours. This has allowed me to watch my nieces for a day or two before on previous occasions without it being problematic, so I agreed. Rachel dropped them off on a Friday afternoon and said they would pick up the kids around noon on Saturday. I noticed the girls had extra overnight bags in addition to their usual small ones. My sister explained that the kids had wanted to bring some extra toys, so I thought nothing of it.